I Wish I Could
by Goddess Isa
Summary: Buffy tells Angel something very serious - she's marrying someone else.


TITLE: I Wish I Could  
AUTHOR: Goddess Isa  
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com  
SUMMARY: Buffy tells Angel something very serious - she's marrying someone else.  
SPOILER: Nothing specific, we know he's gone and we cry. End of story.  
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =) http://planetslaythis.homestead.com  
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P  
RATING: TV-14  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters, Joss Whedon does. If he ever decides to give them to me, that would be nice. =)  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This fic is so pathetic. It's sickening. I can't believe I allowed myself to write it. I can't believe I'm sending it. I promised no more angsty fics, but sometimes people break their promises (AHEM ANGEL!?!?!?!?!?!) Anyways, don't hate me, it was innocent enough.   
  
  
"Hello?"   
  
"Angel, it's me."   
  
"Buffy." he sat up in bed and brushed his hair out of his eyes. In the absence of their relationship, he'd let himself go, looks and all. There was stubble on his face and his hair was long and dirty. Cordelia said he was starting to look like a demon. "Is something wrong? Are you all right?"   
  
"No. Yes. I mean, I don't know how to tell you this.....but....I'm getting married."   
  
Angel sighed, and Buffy couldn't tell if the sigh was one of relief or disappointment. "Um, congratulations. Tell me all about him."   
  
"I don't know if I should."   
  
"Please." his voice was begging with her. "I have to know."   
  
She took a long pause, contemplating the art of lying. She remembered that Angel always knew what she was thinking anyways and sighed.   
  
"Buffy?" his voice was a bit softer now. She could hear that he was hurting.  
  
"It's Xander. I'm marrying Xander."   
  
"Wow." there was a really, really long pause where they heard enough other sniffling. "Can I ask you something?" he finally asked her.   
  
"Of course."   
  
"Why?"   
  
"With Willow gone, Xander's been all I have for a long time now. We started out with a date, simple you know? Blockbuster in my living room, desert....then we went by the Bronze and you know Jonathan from high school took over. Well, Xand and I started drinking and........when I found out I was pregnant, we--"   
  
"You're pregnant?!?!"   
  
"Seven weeks."   
  
"Congratulations." his voice had no feeling.   
  
"I'm sorry," she started to cry. "You...you told me to find someone. You said you didn't want to be with me."   
  
"Did you really think I meant it?"   
  
"God Angel! I didn't know what to think. I don't know now, either. I'm all alone in this huge house, you know? There used to be seven of us, and now there are three....it was bound to happen."   
  
"Do you love him?"   
  
"He's my best friend."   
  
"Do you love him?" he repeated.   
  
Not the way I love you, no.   
  
Xander is good to me. He loves me and I can't help thinking that being with him is better than being alone.   
  
I saw Willow in a dream last night. She told me that the baby was a gift from her. I believe that. She sent us the baby so we wouldn't be alone.   
  
But is it better to marry for necessity and be sort of happy than to stay alone? I honestly don't know.   
  
I mean, there is no way this would ever be a marriage of love on my part. It's not a marriage based on money or the baby, either.   
  
It's a marriage of need.   
  
Xander needs to be with me because he loves me. And I need to be with him because I can't be alone, not anymore. And with Xander, I'm no longer alone.   
  
I keep letting myself think that everything will be all right if I just close my eyes and tell myself it will be.   
  
And then those words come back at me...   
  
"Buffy?" he asked.   
  
"What?" I tried to remember where I was.   
  
"Do you love him?"   
  
"I love him the way I loved Cordy and Willow and Oz. He's my best friend and I'll always care for him. He'll try to make me happy and I'll be content, I suppose. I'll love our child and I'll do the best I can to be a good mother, but I won't ever feel for Xander the way I feel about Angel."   
  
  
*****   
  
  
The wedding was a week go and I still haven't seen Angel. I'm taking a shower now, thinking about the child growing inside of me. We know the baby's a girl, and I want to name her Sarah, after Willow. Xander wants to call her Cordy Lynn. I tell him that a name like that makes her sound like a Southern beauty pageant contestant, and he laughs.   
  
I think about calling her Hannah now and then. It means hope. Or maybe even Faith. Her name could be Sarah Faith. There are so many reasons to call her that.   
  
Turning off the water and wrapping a towel around my wrinkle body, I realize what's been eating at me. Besides the strange cravings I get at four a.m.   
  
Angel.   
  
I need to see him.   
  
I need to hug him and tell him I'm sorry. I think that'll be the closure I need.   
  
I lie in bed, thinking about my life with Xander. About our baby, our future.   
  
All I get out of it is that I need Angel.   
  
God, how I need Angel.   
  
The baby responds by kicking me, telling me to shut up about Angel already. I can't blame her though. She knows I don't love her father and she hates me for it. I think she's trying to tell me to love her father that way.   
  
I wish I could.   



End file.
